Anxiety!?

I know I haven't written in far to long, its not even funny how long its been, but I guess I can explain it by the small word SCHOOL.

Grade 12 has started, and it is awesome in many ways but so hard in others. Grad cruise is in a week and I am so stoked! I am getting ready with a friend I have been friends with for 15 years... NO JOKE! we are going to get out of school early and then go get manicures on wednesday then get all dressed up! I am praying for good weather but I am sure it will be fun either way. Now for the unfun part... homework. There is a lot of it, and I am even shocked on how much I have with only 5 academic courses but I guess grade 12 is hard, that isn't just a rumor.

I have struggled with anxiety all my life, and it is becoming worse and worse. I have been full on anxious for 5 days straight now. Anxiety for me means... barely can breath, tense muscles and the feeling of crying. Now today I broke, for the first time ever with anxiety I cried.. it was weird. I was talking to my teacher about it and felt tears but ignored them. I walked out and a good friend of mine who understands what I am dealing with walked past me. His first words were "how are you" I looked at him shook my head and kept walking. Now most of my friends would have said okay but he stopped, turned around and stopped me. I broke, I didn't know what to say or feel. He told me to breath... now thats everyones thing, I understand why he would say it, I would to but at that moment, breathing was not even an option. I am thankful for him, he is amazing. He listens and gets me. I ran to a teacher I am close to and she just hugged me, I felt like no matter what I did I couldn't calm down. But after crying, I feel a tad better, I feel not as if I can't breath as much... Now this could be because I am not focusing on it but who knows.

Grade 12 is great but hard. I am starting out rough but I am trying to smile. Thats all I can do right? I have to make this the best year possible, and I will with the people around me supporting me.

" 11:11 happens twice a day, because everybody deserves a second chance"

I thought that was cute so I thought I should add it. I am praying and trusting God with my situation right now. But I am off to finish homework then baby sit

Inspired & STOKED! :)

Last night was wicked, and I wanted to write a blog right then and there but words could not describe the way I was feeling last night so I thought I would hold off till today! I am still just as stoked, I am still inspired, so here is the story...

Last night I went for coffee with someone I have been waiting to go for coffee with for about 5 months... so non the less, I was pretty happy about that let alone the talk we had! This guy is truly one of the most life impacting people I know. He was in a severe car accident 10 years ago, this accident was a consequence of a choice he made. He drove impaired that night, just hoping party to party like you would at 21, with a friend in a car, he went out of control and the car flipped and got smashed badly. Today, this guy is in a wheel chair paralyzed from the chest down, and living each day aware that because of one choice he made, he killed a close child hood friend of his. But this guy is also traveling all over Canada and the USA, impacting students lives every day... that is truly amazing.

He has become a friend of mine, but also a person who I want to work with to change peoples lives. Last night I told him about a dream I had about him, I had introduced him at a conference he spoke at. That dream is now coming true, I am getting the chance to go with him to a conference he is doing and tell my story. I think stories are so impacting, and everyone has one. This friend of mine and me both have a dream for people, and counseling. So together we plan to change peoples lives slowly.

Kevin Brooks, this is for you. Thank you for changing peoples lives daily, and thank you for working hand in hand with me to change peoples lives.

this is the blog Kevin Brooks wrote about how he felt about last night, I think we were both so pumped that words could not come out... he explained them better then I did though! :) -

http://www.kevinbrooks.ca/index.php/2010/09/we-are-the-youth-brigade/

One a side note!
At this moment in life I am happy, I can say I am truly happy. I am happy with myself, who I am becoming, my body and everything else! I can't believe how crazy things have become, but the craziness is what I love. To add to the craziness, I got a 5 day a week baby sitting job for 3 kids for 3 hours! It is going to be nuts but great, I can't wait. It might not last long but right now it is great! I am so stoked on life its not even funny! :)

Love God, Love mom

God's plan for us is to Love him and Love others. Others meaning the broken, the needy, our enemies and everyone else in our lives. Everyone is put on this world for some reason or another in Gods eyes.

Today we had a prayer night at youth for the fall in our youth group. When we were praying on our own God put a bible verse on my heart : Leviticus 19:18 - Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. As I read the verse out, my youth pastors wife was thinking "its so true but do YOU believe it". She told me that when we were talking just me and her after, I didn't know what to say. Do I believe it... Yes I believe the concept of it, but do I follow it. The truth is... No, I don't follow it. I want to, but a part of me wants to get back at my mom for hurting me, I am mad, I am hurt, and I don't want to love her when she never has loved me.

Gods plan for me is to love him and love my mom. I realized that tonight while talking to one of the biggest mentors in my life. Its hard to love someone you don't see deserving, but we don't deserve God's love but he still gives it, I need to remember that every day. My challenge to myself is to wake up and remind myself to love God and love my mom. To forgive my mom everyday for everything she has done and be God's love for her.

This isn't easy for me, but I need to do it. This subject is very hard for me to talk about, and I cried when me and Carissa talked, but I am so glad we had that talk. I am so thankful for her in my life, and thank God all the time for placing someone in my life to love on me and care.

That is all. Love God Love others ( for me it will be loving my mom.. )


ps. I want one girl in my life - Sam Middleton, to know that I appreciate her love for me. She has always been there to and I am so thankful.. <3 I love you Sammy, I know you will go so far and live out what God wants for you.

No turning back

As I sit here reflecting on this summer, I see an amazing summer but also a lot of hurt. Grad year is now here, there is no turning back. The rain has come and we can't rewind time, we can't press the pause button, we can only let time keep going, and realize that we can stand still, but time won't stop for us. Life is full of mystery's, adventures, and obstacles, but as we stand back and look at our lives, everything we have over come has made us who we are today.

Grade 12 is right around the corner for me, one week from now I will walking through those doors, hearing the bells ring, and having a realization is that this is our final year walking through the halls, listening to the bells, hearing teachers give lessons and having to do the dreaded high school homework. For a lot of us it will be the last time we see each other, the last day before many "friendships" we created in high school will be over, and the final step in our high school reality before we head into real life.

Today many of us walked around the halls, giving hugs to people we hadn't seen all summer, and complaining about teachers we had. Grade 12's this is the last time we will do that, and its real. Right now I don't think I have any idea how much I am going to miss the security of high school or the friendships I created, but I do know as much as I am scared, I am so excited to grow up and to become the person I am supposed to be.

We can't dwell on the past, just learn from the mistakes we made. We should laugh at our mistakes, and smile at all the bumps in the road we hit, because if we spend all of our time regretting and not laughing, we will never live the high school experience like we should.

This summer has been an adventure, I have lost to many friends to count, but became closer with many people. As much as I miss the friends I have lost, I realize that everything happens for a reason and as much as I wish I had them back, it is part of life. You won't stay friends forever, and people will come and go. I have had the opportunity to become closer to a few people I now call my best friends, and reflect on what a true friend is. So goodbye to the old and in with the new. I am so excited to see what grade 12 will bring, it will be interesting to say the least.

A new addition

These three girls are truly my world. The one on the far left is my life, my little girl, the one I look at as my baby sister - Isabella. The next one is my other little cousin Carmella, a girl I am truly glad to say is my cousin. And now there is Carmella's 5 day old sister, a girl I have yet to meet, but my brand new cousin Makaylah. I am blessed to have all of them apart of me and my life.



Isabella and me have been very close since day one. She is my sunshine, the smile on my face, and she makes me who I am today. I have been blessed with an amazing cousin, this girl is more like my sister then my little cousin. Her mom and me are also cousins, and her mom has been apart of my life since I was little and me and her have created a relationship I cherish deeply, so now having her daughter, I hope I can have the same relationship with her later on in life also. Isabella is a girl who would brighten up the room when she walked in, who talks to everyone around her, and is the most caring girl I know. Who at 3 years old asks for nothing for Christmas and to give it to the kids who have nothing instead. She inspires me to be a better person, and a better role model for her. She is turning 6 soon, and I wish I could stop time just for a bit...



Now for this munchkin, and her big sister who I sadly don't have another picture of her right now. These two girls I love dearly. I have yet to meet Makaylah but I really can't wait. I am not as close to Carmella as I would like to but I hope to create a better relationship with soon. Carmella is also going on 6, and it seems like yesterday she was a baby, I can't imagine how fast Makaylah will grow up.

But all in all, these 3 girls inspire me to be a better person. I want to be a good role model to them and love them through out every part of life. I don't want to be a cousin they see once a year, I want to be someone they see as much as possible and call when they need something.

It kind of reminds me of us humans and God. God doesn't just want us to show up when we want to, he wants us there all the time. He doesn't just show up in our lives when he has time, he is there every day. I want to be there for my cousins all the time and not just there when I feel like it, and I want them to come to me when they need, not just on family get togethers. That is my dream for these girls. Girls these days are being put in a media swirl that tears down everything they should believe about themselves, and I want to be a role model for them to get out of that. :)

I love you Carmella, Makaylah and Isabelle <3

reality

Lately so many things have been happening that I am not sure how to exactly feel.

Less then a month ago, a girl I truly care about, a role model to me, lost her dad to a battle of cancer. It made me feel sick hearing it, and left me speechless. I have been through the process but I didn't know what to say - but she assured me understanding was more then enough. I wish I could say more, I wish I could take away all her pain and bring her dad back. Reality check though, I can't. I can't take the pain away, I can't fix all the hurt, I can't bring her dad back. But I can be there when she needs an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to remind her to keep going and that she is loved.

Today, another close friend of mine, dad passed away. We knew it was coming but it was expected to be about 4 months from now. Cancer got the best of him, it spread and it couldn't be stopped. Again it made me feel sick, it all happened so fast. Now I have a friend who is heart broken because her dad won't see some of the biggest moments in her life, like her wedding and much more. I wish I could fix everything, but I can't. Reality hit me again today, our world isn't perfect, disease can kick us in the butt and we can't always beat it, and that all I can do is a friend is be there, and never walk away from her.

I wish cancer wasn't real. I wish no one suffered from such a disease. I wish little kids didn't have to waste away their child hood in a hospital room. I wish people didn't have to say goodbye to their loved ones on their death bed. I just wish cancer wasn't real.

Another thing that is very real for me right now, a young boy I knew died 3 years ago tomorrow (technically today). It was an unfair accident, not his fault at all and now his life is gone. He has left behind 4 siblings that miss him like crazy and 2 parents who have their heart broken because their little boy is gone. I wish he was still here.

Death is real, it is here. We can't predict tomorrow, nothing is guaranteed so we have to live our lives to the fullest enjoying every moment that we have.

Realizing and letting go

Things have become a lot more real to me lately, especially with people.

I am realizing as much as I don't want to admit it, that I still love the person I really wish I didn't. And I think that is why I have had problems in relationships since him because I am holding onto him and don't want to let go. I was given no choice lately though, he decided to tell me he doesn't want to be best friends anymore, and wants nothing to do with me. So first I had to just be friends with him after two amazing summers with him as my boyfriend and now I gotta let go of the fact he isn't my friend and I can't love him anymore. I am realizing and letting go..

I am realizing how short life really is, and how quick lives can end. I have two friends, one who just lost her dad to cancer and another who is losing her dad to cancer, its real, its there. Its so sad to see people you love go through such hardships. I am realizing even though I understand the loss, my words can't be said right enough to show them how much I care.

I am realizing that my final year of high school is just around the corner and its one of the most exciting but scariest things right now. I have to start applying for universities and scholarships and that is crazy stressful. I am so excited for what this year will bring in friendships but also just in fulfilling my dreams and figuring my life out. But I am scared to grow up and leave the comfort zone of high school. I hate high school but I know I will miss it once I leave.

I am letting go of the fact that people are mean and immature and realizing that I will not have the same friends my whole life, people will come and go. I have realized that people will hurt you and there is nothing you can do about it except get back on your feet and carry on with life.

I am realizing that you can't go through everything alone. We were not made to deal with things on our own and it is okay to go to friends when you need. & I am so thankful for the friends i have because they have gotten me through some crazy and deep things in life :)

So that is what I am realizing, and letting go of. Every day is a new day, a new lesson and a new adventure, all we can do is make the best of it :)