Love God, Love mom

God's plan for us is to Love him and Love others. Others meaning the broken, the needy, our enemies and everyone else in our lives. Everyone is put on this world for some reason or another in Gods eyes.

Today we had a prayer night at youth for the fall in our youth group. When we were praying on our own God put a bible verse on my heart : Leviticus 19:18 - Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. As I read the verse out, my youth pastors wife was thinking "its so true but do YOU believe it". She told me that when we were talking just me and her after, I didn't know what to say. Do I believe it... Yes I believe the concept of it, but do I follow it. The truth is... No, I don't follow it. I want to, but a part of me wants to get back at my mom for hurting me, I am mad, I am hurt, and I don't want to love her when she never has loved me.

Gods plan for me is to love him and love my mom. I realized that tonight while talking to one of the biggest mentors in my life. Its hard to love someone you don't see deserving, but we don't deserve God's love but he still gives it, I need to remember that every day. My challenge to myself is to wake up and remind myself to love God and love my mom. To forgive my mom everyday for everything she has done and be God's love for her.

This isn't easy for me, but I need to do it. This subject is very hard for me to talk about, and I cried when me and Carissa talked, but I am so glad we had that talk. I am so thankful for her in my life, and thank God all the time for placing someone in my life to love on me and care.

That is all. Love God Love others ( for me it will be loving my mom.. )


ps. I want one girl in my life - Sam Middleton, to know that I appreciate her love for me. She has always been there to and I am so thankful.. <3 I love you Sammy, I know you will go so far and live out what God wants for you.

No turning back

As I sit here reflecting on this summer, I see an amazing summer but also a lot of hurt. Grad year is now here, there is no turning back. The rain has come and we can't rewind time, we can't press the pause button, we can only let time keep going, and realize that we can stand still, but time won't stop for us. Life is full of mystery's, adventures, and obstacles, but as we stand back and look at our lives, everything we have over come has made us who we are today.

Grade 12 is right around the corner for me, one week from now I will walking through those doors, hearing the bells ring, and having a realization is that this is our final year walking through the halls, listening to the bells, hearing teachers give lessons and having to do the dreaded high school homework. For a lot of us it will be the last time we see each other, the last day before many "friendships" we created in high school will be over, and the final step in our high school reality before we head into real life.

Today many of us walked around the halls, giving hugs to people we hadn't seen all summer, and complaining about teachers we had. Grade 12's this is the last time we will do that, and its real. Right now I don't think I have any idea how much I am going to miss the security of high school or the friendships I created, but I do know as much as I am scared, I am so excited to grow up and to become the person I am supposed to be.

We can't dwell on the past, just learn from the mistakes we made. We should laugh at our mistakes, and smile at all the bumps in the road we hit, because if we spend all of our time regretting and not laughing, we will never live the high school experience like we should.

This summer has been an adventure, I have lost to many friends to count, but became closer with many people. As much as I miss the friends I have lost, I realize that everything happens for a reason and as much as I wish I had them back, it is part of life. You won't stay friends forever, and people will come and go. I have had the opportunity to become closer to a few people I now call my best friends, and reflect on what a true friend is. So goodbye to the old and in with the new. I am so excited to see what grade 12 will bring, it will be interesting to say the least.

A new addition

These three girls are truly my world. The one on the far left is my life, my little girl, the one I look at as my baby sister - Isabella. The next one is my other little cousin Carmella, a girl I am truly glad to say is my cousin. And now there is Carmella's 5 day old sister, a girl I have yet to meet, but my brand new cousin Makaylah. I am blessed to have all of them apart of me and my life.



Isabella and me have been very close since day one. She is my sunshine, the smile on my face, and she makes me who I am today. I have been blessed with an amazing cousin, this girl is more like my sister then my little cousin. Her mom and me are also cousins, and her mom has been apart of my life since I was little and me and her have created a relationship I cherish deeply, so now having her daughter, I hope I can have the same relationship with her later on in life also. Isabella is a girl who would brighten up the room when she walked in, who talks to everyone around her, and is the most caring girl I know. Who at 3 years old asks for nothing for Christmas and to give it to the kids who have nothing instead. She inspires me to be a better person, and a better role model for her. She is turning 6 soon, and I wish I could stop time just for a bit...



Now for this munchkin, and her big sister who I sadly don't have another picture of her right now. These two girls I love dearly. I have yet to meet Makaylah but I really can't wait. I am not as close to Carmella as I would like to but I hope to create a better relationship with soon. Carmella is also going on 6, and it seems like yesterday she was a baby, I can't imagine how fast Makaylah will grow up.

But all in all, these 3 girls inspire me to be a better person. I want to be a good role model to them and love them through out every part of life. I don't want to be a cousin they see once a year, I want to be someone they see as much as possible and call when they need something.

It kind of reminds me of us humans and God. God doesn't just want us to show up when we want to, he wants us there all the time. He doesn't just show up in our lives when he has time, he is there every day. I want to be there for my cousins all the time and not just there when I feel like it, and I want them to come to me when they need, not just on family get togethers. That is my dream for these girls. Girls these days are being put in a media swirl that tears down everything they should believe about themselves, and I want to be a role model for them to get out of that. :)

I love you Carmella, Makaylah and Isabelle <3

reality

Lately so many things have been happening that I am not sure how to exactly feel.

Less then a month ago, a girl I truly care about, a role model to me, lost her dad to a battle of cancer. It made me feel sick hearing it, and left me speechless. I have been through the process but I didn't know what to say - but she assured me understanding was more then enough. I wish I could say more, I wish I could take away all her pain and bring her dad back. Reality check though, I can't. I can't take the pain away, I can't fix all the hurt, I can't bring her dad back. But I can be there when she needs an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to remind her to keep going and that she is loved.

Today, another close friend of mine, dad passed away. We knew it was coming but it was expected to be about 4 months from now. Cancer got the best of him, it spread and it couldn't be stopped. Again it made me feel sick, it all happened so fast. Now I have a friend who is heart broken because her dad won't see some of the biggest moments in her life, like her wedding and much more. I wish I could fix everything, but I can't. Reality hit me again today, our world isn't perfect, disease can kick us in the butt and we can't always beat it, and that all I can do is a friend is be there, and never walk away from her.

I wish cancer wasn't real. I wish no one suffered from such a disease. I wish little kids didn't have to waste away their child hood in a hospital room. I wish people didn't have to say goodbye to their loved ones on their death bed. I just wish cancer wasn't real.

Another thing that is very real for me right now, a young boy I knew died 3 years ago tomorrow (technically today). It was an unfair accident, not his fault at all and now his life is gone. He has left behind 4 siblings that miss him like crazy and 2 parents who have their heart broken because their little boy is gone. I wish he was still here.

Death is real, it is here. We can't predict tomorrow, nothing is guaranteed so we have to live our lives to the fullest enjoying every moment that we have.

Realizing and letting go

Things have become a lot more real to me lately, especially with people.

I am realizing as much as I don't want to admit it, that I still love the person I really wish I didn't. And I think that is why I have had problems in relationships since him because I am holding onto him and don't want to let go. I was given no choice lately though, he decided to tell me he doesn't want to be best friends anymore, and wants nothing to do with me. So first I had to just be friends with him after two amazing summers with him as my boyfriend and now I gotta let go of the fact he isn't my friend and I can't love him anymore. I am realizing and letting go..

I am realizing how short life really is, and how quick lives can end. I have two friends, one who just lost her dad to cancer and another who is losing her dad to cancer, its real, its there. Its so sad to see people you love go through such hardships. I am realizing even though I understand the loss, my words can't be said right enough to show them how much I care.

I am realizing that my final year of high school is just around the corner and its one of the most exciting but scariest things right now. I have to start applying for universities and scholarships and that is crazy stressful. I am so excited for what this year will bring in friendships but also just in fulfilling my dreams and figuring my life out. But I am scared to grow up and leave the comfort zone of high school. I hate high school but I know I will miss it once I leave.

I am letting go of the fact that people are mean and immature and realizing that I will not have the same friends my whole life, people will come and go. I have realized that people will hurt you and there is nothing you can do about it except get back on your feet and carry on with life.

I am realizing that you can't go through everything alone. We were not made to deal with things on our own and it is okay to go to friends when you need. & I am so thankful for the friends i have because they have gotten me through some crazy and deep things in life :)

So that is what I am realizing, and letting go of. Every day is a new day, a new lesson and a new adventure, all we can do is make the best of it :)

Happy Birthday Daddy

Everyday is a different day. Let it be good or let it be bad. You can't control all the events of your day but you can control your attitude. - something that I have learned very well over the years. A friend of mine always said, smile, you will feel better. Or wake up with a smile and say this day will be a good day, it works if you believe it to be true :)

Today was a day I knew would be hard for me, but at the same time I had to wake up and handle it with the best attitude I could. I woke up smiling saying, "I get to see family that I haven't seen in 10 years today! I am excited!". The truth is, I was excited but I was also very sad. Today my dad would have been 52 years old. He is not here to celebrate it, and I really wish he was. To add to my problems I was moody today (you can all guess why) so that just put a turn on my day... Lets just say, I lost my patience very quickly today, especially when I was around my cousin who I love dearly but knows how to push buttons. I snapped, I almost cried many times, but I also smiled and laughed. I was excited this morning to see family I hadn't seen in 10 years, and I stayed excited until they left. I also got the chance to buy clothes - with no HST ( i love alberta for that reason!) But in the end of the day, I was sad, but I was also happy. I wish my dad was here so we could celebrate his birthday, but at the same time, I can't dwell on that fact. Yes it's hard and I am not just saying that, I do dwell sometimes but it's getting better. Things do get easier as they go along, and I am learning lessons every day.

So dad, Happy 52 birthday. I really wish you were here but you aren't. I would do anything to see you once more. To have one more hug or one more cuddle or even a back rub. But thats nothing I can control. So I go to bed missing you, but smiling because thats all I can do right now. I love you more then words can describe, but really I love the person I never got a chance to know, but that will never change. I miss you today, I will miss you forever, no matter what happens my daddy you will be. I love you dad, and happy birthday

xoxo your little girl!

taking one day at a time.

The past while since I posted has been filled with trails but lessons learned. I have learned that people hurt you so you learn to trust a certain few but mainly just yourself. But I also learned that you have to take things one day at a time because if you don't you get way to overwhelmed.

Camp was probably the best ever this year out of all 3 years I have been going. For many reasons I guess :) I got to see the best people in my life and go to the place that is my second home. I had created close relationships throughout the year with people from camp so going there and seeing them was the best week ever. I got my wish of going to the banquet with a very close friend of mine, which topped off camp! I created memories and laughs that will last a life time. Our team came in 5th place which was amazing (our rookies kicked some butt this year!) But most of all it was just amazing being there, experiencing God, and being with people I like to call my close friends but also family.

A good friend from camp and me had a few deep talks at camp. About life, and about who we are as people. This person had said to me "I don't think you know who I really am" and it made me wonder, I do know who this person is, but this person isn't perfect and I think that is why he said that. It made me wonder though, who knows us and who doesn't?

When I got home, a lot of things happened which I didn't understand. But coming home from camp always means back to reality... reality sucks at times. My best friend of 4 years, my number one, someone I walked through things with that I didn't imagine I could, decided to get up and leave. Without a reason, without a talk about it, he just said never call me again. It hurt, i felt like I couldn't breath, I secluded myself for a few days but am now realizing that no matter what I do, I can't control the situation. That was his choice, so I have to take one day at a time and smile even when its hard.

My friend that moved away decided we not talk anymore because it is easier for me. The truth is I would rather be friends and miss him then be ignored but its life... again I can't control it.. so I need to take one day at a time.

This is where my two biggest lessons come in : My friend walked out of life, it hurt, but I realized to only trust a few people but mainly just trust yourself because everyone will hurt you. And to take one day at a time because when you are hurt thinking forward is hard.

I have been contemplating a lot of stuff for after school. I know my end goal but I am really thinking about how I want to reach it now. A option would be going to school away from home, a province away or many provinces. Give me a chance to see life in a different view, and restart. This is a huge thing on my mind right now but like I said, one day at a time. we will see where life takes me. I would love to get away, but I guess we will have to see.

So remember to smile, even when it hurts. To take one day at a time and not think to far ahead. And enjoy the time you have, because it will be gone sooner then you think