Happy Birthday Daddy

Everyday is a different day. Let it be good or let it be bad. You can't control all the events of your day but you can control your attitude. - something that I have learned very well over the years. A friend of mine always said, smile, you will feel better. Or wake up with a smile and say this day will be a good day, it works if you believe it to be true :)

Today was a day I knew would be hard for me, but at the same time I had to wake up and handle it with the best attitude I could. I woke up smiling saying, "I get to see family that I haven't seen in 10 years today! I am excited!". The truth is, I was excited but I was also very sad. Today my dad would have been 52 years old. He is not here to celebrate it, and I really wish he was. To add to my problems I was moody today (you can all guess why) so that just put a turn on my day... Lets just say, I lost my patience very quickly today, especially when I was around my cousin who I love dearly but knows how to push buttons. I snapped, I almost cried many times, but I also smiled and laughed. I was excited this morning to see family I hadn't seen in 10 years, and I stayed excited until they left. I also got the chance to buy clothes - with no HST ( i love alberta for that reason!) But in the end of the day, I was sad, but I was also happy. I wish my dad was here so we could celebrate his birthday, but at the same time, I can't dwell on that fact. Yes it's hard and I am not just saying that, I do dwell sometimes but it's getting better. Things do get easier as they go along, and I am learning lessons every day.

So dad, Happy 52 birthday. I really wish you were here but you aren't. I would do anything to see you once more. To have one more hug or one more cuddle or even a back rub. But thats nothing I can control. So I go to bed missing you, but smiling because thats all I can do right now. I love you more then words can describe, but really I love the person I never got a chance to know, but that will never change. I miss you today, I will miss you forever, no matter what happens my daddy you will be. I love you dad, and happy birthday

xoxo your little girl!

taking one day at a time.

The past while since I posted has been filled with trails but lessons learned. I have learned that people hurt you so you learn to trust a certain few but mainly just yourself. But I also learned that you have to take things one day at a time because if you don't you get way to overwhelmed.

Camp was probably the best ever this year out of all 3 years I have been going. For many reasons I guess :) I got to see the best people in my life and go to the place that is my second home. I had created close relationships throughout the year with people from camp so going there and seeing them was the best week ever. I got my wish of going to the banquet with a very close friend of mine, which topped off camp! I created memories and laughs that will last a life time. Our team came in 5th place which was amazing (our rookies kicked some butt this year!) But most of all it was just amazing being there, experiencing God, and being with people I like to call my close friends but also family.

A good friend from camp and me had a few deep talks at camp. About life, and about who we are as people. This person had said to me "I don't think you know who I really am" and it made me wonder, I do know who this person is, but this person isn't perfect and I think that is why he said that. It made me wonder though, who knows us and who doesn't?

When I got home, a lot of things happened which I didn't understand. But coming home from camp always means back to reality... reality sucks at times. My best friend of 4 years, my number one, someone I walked through things with that I didn't imagine I could, decided to get up and leave. Without a reason, without a talk about it, he just said never call me again. It hurt, i felt like I couldn't breath, I secluded myself for a few days but am now realizing that no matter what I do, I can't control the situation. That was his choice, so I have to take one day at a time and smile even when its hard.

My friend that moved away decided we not talk anymore because it is easier for me. The truth is I would rather be friends and miss him then be ignored but its life... again I can't control it.. so I need to take one day at a time.

This is where my two biggest lessons come in : My friend walked out of life, it hurt, but I realized to only trust a few people but mainly just trust yourself because everyone will hurt you. And to take one day at a time because when you are hurt thinking forward is hard.

I have been contemplating a lot of stuff for after school. I know my end goal but I am really thinking about how I want to reach it now. A option would be going to school away from home, a province away or many provinces. Give me a chance to see life in a different view, and restart. This is a huge thing on my mind right now but like I said, one day at a time. we will see where life takes me. I would love to get away, but I guess we will have to see.

So remember to smile, even when it hurts. To take one day at a time and not think to far ahead. And enjoy the time you have, because it will be gone sooner then you think

what is a true friend?

I've asked myself this question numerous times and pondered many answers.

Is a true friend...
- the person you talk to daily?
- the person you hang out with all the time?
- the person you tell everything to and they keep all your secrets?

I think a true friend can be all of those, but at the same time it can be someone totally different. I have been challenged with the title of a true friend throughout the years of my life. I've had people I thought to be true friends but then stabbed me in the back, but I have had a few true friends in my life also. At moments I have believed no one is a true friend because every human being can hurt you or disappoint you, but if I believe that then I will never be happy with my group of friends and will never keep people in my life for a long period of time.

"Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:

If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Eccl 4:9-12 New International Version

God did not create us to be alone, he created us to minister to each other, support each other and help each other grow. This is one thing I have learned through situations in my life.

I will give an example without using names:

I have this friend, and this friend was out at a party with a bunch of friends. I was having a bad night so I thought I would text this friend because this [friend] always seems to be able to cheer me up. I asked this friend to come online if [friend] wasn't busy so we could talk. This friend did not reply but showed up on facebook in less then 5 minutes. I asked this friend what this friend was doing because I wanted to make sure [friend] wasn't busy, well, this friend told me that there was a party going on that [friend] was at. I continued to ask this friend why [friend] came online because I had said only if [friend] was not busy. [Friend] told me that [friend] didn't want me upset and wanted to cheer me up.

Now this friend has become one of my best friends, but also shows the qualities of a true friend. You don't see many people now a days while out with friends or doing whatever, drop everything and make sure their friends are okay. I don't know if its our society or what. I have a few very close friends and those people are true friends to me. To me a true friend isn't someone you have to see every day or every week, its not someone you have to talk to every day, and it is not someone you have to share every secret with. It is someone who cares unconditionally, is willing to be there when you ask, and likes you for who you are. Most of my true friends I don't see every day, some I only see once a year, yes I talk to them often but I don't need to. I love them for who they are and they love me for who I am.

Find the friends you never want to lose, and hold onto them, because some people are worth keeping around.

14 days...

14 days... till the best week of my year. Nanoose Bay Camp!

This camp has changed me so much over the past 2 years. I have made friends that I didn't think were possible to make, I've done things I have never thought I would do (like play handball), and I have been tugged at by God like I never have before. Camp is home, weird to say but it is. My team - da bears, are my family, and the people at camp are also like family.

I walk onto those grounds, and I breath deep and say I am home. In 2 weeks I will be home for the best week ever. A week full of sports, friendships and memories. Although this week of being home that is just around the corner holds a special meaning. I will be getting rebaptized most likely. Something God has been wanting me to do, but also that has been on my heart for a long time. I will not explain it all on here, but I got baptized the first time for the wrong reasons, for selfish reasons and not for God. I lived a life of fakeness and put on a huge mask on who I really was. Life is full of mistakes, I know that from personal expierence but this week of being home I plan to show God I am willing to live for him and not put on the mask I wear way to often.

So in 2 weeks I will be home, I will be with the best friends I could imagine having, and I will expierence some of the best memories I will ever have. I can't wait to go home.. :)

one more year left.

12 years down of school, and 1 more left. I have to admit that is one of the scariest things I have ever made myself realize. Sooner then I think summer will be over, I will be heading into my last year of high school and in a blink of an eye that will be over.

So many things have changed through the years of my life. Now, I know change is expected, we grow up and we move on from things and head into new things. When I first headed into kindergarten I was the girl who was living with her grandparents and a broken mess for a lot of it. Heading into grade 1, my grandparents had custody over me and I grew up happy and smiling but still missing things. Heading into grade 8, I became a believer in God but struggled with my faith big time. Now heading into grade 12, I am a different person from all the other times. I am strong believer in God and love him more then ever. I smile more and have dealt with a lot of things. I know heading into university in a year I will have changed a bit now, but through people coming in and out of my life, my actions and behavior changing and growing in who I am, I can say I am content with the who I am today - for right now that's all that matters.

I can't believe high school is almost over but it is going to give me an opportunity to grow in the person I am. I am excited, scared, sad and happy. So many emotions packed into the thought of high school ending, but I guess this is life. "No one told us it would be easy, but no one told us it would be this hard." A line that makes me think very deeply, are our parents supposed to tell us everything? warn us of every little bump in the road? can the they teach us every lesson? can they help fix every mistake we make? NO! Our parents can warn us of things in life that may hurt us but if they tell us everything we will never grow into the person we are supposed to be. They can't teach us every lesson because I am sure we are going to go out and try it anyways so we can learn on our own. They can't warn us every bump in the road of life because we are all different. And they can't help us fix every mistake because if they get fixed we will never learn. So no, no one told us it would be easy, but at the same time, we need to learn for ourselves it would be hard so they can't tell us that either.

I have been stretched, pulled and tugged at through the years. I have fallen, learned lessons, been hurt and got back on my feet.

I am ready for a great summer and then a great grade 12 year. grad 2011! :D

welcome.

Well, here you are at the start of my blog, I am going to use this place to vent, be honest, and talk about things that are going on in my life. I will blog as much as I can :) Please do enjoy and comment if you feel you want to :)

- Chels