Anxiety!?

I know I haven't written in far to long, its not even funny how long its been, but I guess I can explain it by the small word SCHOOL.

Grade 12 has started, and it is awesome in many ways but so hard in others. Grad cruise is in a week and I am so stoked! I am getting ready with a friend I have been friends with for 15 years... NO JOKE! we are going to get out of school early and then go get manicures on wednesday then get all dressed up! I am praying for good weather but I am sure it will be fun either way. Now for the unfun part... homework. There is a lot of it, and I am even shocked on how much I have with only 5 academic courses but I guess grade 12 is hard, that isn't just a rumor.

I have struggled with anxiety all my life, and it is becoming worse and worse. I have been full on anxious for 5 days straight now. Anxiety for me means... barely can breath, tense muscles and the feeling of crying. Now today I broke, for the first time ever with anxiety I cried.. it was weird. I was talking to my teacher about it and felt tears but ignored them. I walked out and a good friend of mine who understands what I am dealing with walked past me. His first words were "how are you" I looked at him shook my head and kept walking. Now most of my friends would have said okay but he stopped, turned around and stopped me. I broke, I didn't know what to say or feel. He told me to breath... now thats everyones thing, I understand why he would say it, I would to but at that moment, breathing was not even an option. I am thankful for him, he is amazing. He listens and gets me. I ran to a teacher I am close to and she just hugged me, I felt like no matter what I did I couldn't calm down. But after crying, I feel a tad better, I feel not as if I can't breath as much... Now this could be because I am not focusing on it but who knows.

Grade 12 is great but hard. I am starting out rough but I am trying to smile. Thats all I can do right? I have to make this the best year possible, and I will with the people around me supporting me.

" 11:11 happens twice a day, because everybody deserves a second chance"

I thought that was cute so I thought I should add it. I am praying and trusting God with my situation right now. But I am off to finish homework then baby sit

Inspired & STOKED! :)

Last night was wicked, and I wanted to write a blog right then and there but words could not describe the way I was feeling last night so I thought I would hold off till today! I am still just as stoked, I am still inspired, so here is the story...

Last night I went for coffee with someone I have been waiting to go for coffee with for about 5 months... so non the less, I was pretty happy about that let alone the talk we had! This guy is truly one of the most life impacting people I know. He was in a severe car accident 10 years ago, this accident was a consequence of a choice he made. He drove impaired that night, just hoping party to party like you would at 21, with a friend in a car, he went out of control and the car flipped and got smashed badly. Today, this guy is in a wheel chair paralyzed from the chest down, and living each day aware that because of one choice he made, he killed a close child hood friend of his. But this guy is also traveling all over Canada and the USA, impacting students lives every day... that is truly amazing.

He has become a friend of mine, but also a person who I want to work with to change peoples lives. Last night I told him about a dream I had about him, I had introduced him at a conference he spoke at. That dream is now coming true, I am getting the chance to go with him to a conference he is doing and tell my story. I think stories are so impacting, and everyone has one. This friend of mine and me both have a dream for people, and counseling. So together we plan to change peoples lives slowly.

Kevin Brooks, this is for you. Thank you for changing peoples lives daily, and thank you for working hand in hand with me to change peoples lives.

this is the blog Kevin Brooks wrote about how he felt about last night, I think we were both so pumped that words could not come out... he explained them better then I did though! :) -

http://www.kevinbrooks.ca/index.php/2010/09/we-are-the-youth-brigade/

One a side note!
At this moment in life I am happy, I can say I am truly happy. I am happy with myself, who I am becoming, my body and everything else! I can't believe how crazy things have become, but the craziness is what I love. To add to the craziness, I got a 5 day a week baby sitting job for 3 kids for 3 hours! It is going to be nuts but great, I can't wait. It might not last long but right now it is great! I am so stoked on life its not even funny! :)

Love God, Love mom

God's plan for us is to Love him and Love others. Others meaning the broken, the needy, our enemies and everyone else in our lives. Everyone is put on this world for some reason or another in Gods eyes.

Today we had a prayer night at youth for the fall in our youth group. When we were praying on our own God put a bible verse on my heart : Leviticus 19:18 - Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. As I read the verse out, my youth pastors wife was thinking "its so true but do YOU believe it". She told me that when we were talking just me and her after, I didn't know what to say. Do I believe it... Yes I believe the concept of it, but do I follow it. The truth is... No, I don't follow it. I want to, but a part of me wants to get back at my mom for hurting me, I am mad, I am hurt, and I don't want to love her when she never has loved me.

Gods plan for me is to love him and love my mom. I realized that tonight while talking to one of the biggest mentors in my life. Its hard to love someone you don't see deserving, but we don't deserve God's love but he still gives it, I need to remember that every day. My challenge to myself is to wake up and remind myself to love God and love my mom. To forgive my mom everyday for everything she has done and be God's love for her.

This isn't easy for me, but I need to do it. This subject is very hard for me to talk about, and I cried when me and Carissa talked, but I am so glad we had that talk. I am so thankful for her in my life, and thank God all the time for placing someone in my life to love on me and care.

That is all. Love God Love others ( for me it will be loving my mom.. )


ps. I want one girl in my life - Sam Middleton, to know that I appreciate her love for me. She has always been there to and I am so thankful.. <3 I love you Sammy, I know you will go so far and live out what God wants for you.

No turning back

As I sit here reflecting on this summer, I see an amazing summer but also a lot of hurt. Grad year is now here, there is no turning back. The rain has come and we can't rewind time, we can't press the pause button, we can only let time keep going, and realize that we can stand still, but time won't stop for us. Life is full of mystery's, adventures, and obstacles, but as we stand back and look at our lives, everything we have over come has made us who we are today.

Grade 12 is right around the corner for me, one week from now I will walking through those doors, hearing the bells ring, and having a realization is that this is our final year walking through the halls, listening to the bells, hearing teachers give lessons and having to do the dreaded high school homework. For a lot of us it will be the last time we see each other, the last day before many "friendships" we created in high school will be over, and the final step in our high school reality before we head into real life.

Today many of us walked around the halls, giving hugs to people we hadn't seen all summer, and complaining about teachers we had. Grade 12's this is the last time we will do that, and its real. Right now I don't think I have any idea how much I am going to miss the security of high school or the friendships I created, but I do know as much as I am scared, I am so excited to grow up and to become the person I am supposed to be.

We can't dwell on the past, just learn from the mistakes we made. We should laugh at our mistakes, and smile at all the bumps in the road we hit, because if we spend all of our time regretting and not laughing, we will never live the high school experience like we should.

This summer has been an adventure, I have lost to many friends to count, but became closer with many people. As much as I miss the friends I have lost, I realize that everything happens for a reason and as much as I wish I had them back, it is part of life. You won't stay friends forever, and people will come and go. I have had the opportunity to become closer to a few people I now call my best friends, and reflect on what a true friend is. So goodbye to the old and in with the new. I am so excited to see what grade 12 will bring, it will be interesting to say the least.

A new addition

These three girls are truly my world. The one on the far left is my life, my little girl, the one I look at as my baby sister - Isabella. The next one is my other little cousin Carmella, a girl I am truly glad to say is my cousin. And now there is Carmella's 5 day old sister, a girl I have yet to meet, but my brand new cousin Makaylah. I am blessed to have all of them apart of me and my life.



Isabella and me have been very close since day one. She is my sunshine, the smile on my face, and she makes me who I am today. I have been blessed with an amazing cousin, this girl is more like my sister then my little cousin. Her mom and me are also cousins, and her mom has been apart of my life since I was little and me and her have created a relationship I cherish deeply, so now having her daughter, I hope I can have the same relationship with her later on in life also. Isabella is a girl who would brighten up the room when she walked in, who talks to everyone around her, and is the most caring girl I know. Who at 3 years old asks for nothing for Christmas and to give it to the kids who have nothing instead. She inspires me to be a better person, and a better role model for her. She is turning 6 soon, and I wish I could stop time just for a bit...



Now for this munchkin, and her big sister who I sadly don't have another picture of her right now. These two girls I love dearly. I have yet to meet Makaylah but I really can't wait. I am not as close to Carmella as I would like to but I hope to create a better relationship with soon. Carmella is also going on 6, and it seems like yesterday she was a baby, I can't imagine how fast Makaylah will grow up.

But all in all, these 3 girls inspire me to be a better person. I want to be a good role model to them and love them through out every part of life. I don't want to be a cousin they see once a year, I want to be someone they see as much as possible and call when they need something.

It kind of reminds me of us humans and God. God doesn't just want us to show up when we want to, he wants us there all the time. He doesn't just show up in our lives when he has time, he is there every day. I want to be there for my cousins all the time and not just there when I feel like it, and I want them to come to me when they need, not just on family get togethers. That is my dream for these girls. Girls these days are being put in a media swirl that tears down everything they should believe about themselves, and I want to be a role model for them to get out of that. :)

I love you Carmella, Makaylah and Isabelle <3

reality

Lately so many things have been happening that I am not sure how to exactly feel.

Less then a month ago, a girl I truly care about, a role model to me, lost her dad to a battle of cancer. It made me feel sick hearing it, and left me speechless. I have been through the process but I didn't know what to say - but she assured me understanding was more then enough. I wish I could say more, I wish I could take away all her pain and bring her dad back. Reality check though, I can't. I can't take the pain away, I can't fix all the hurt, I can't bring her dad back. But I can be there when she needs an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to remind her to keep going and that she is loved.

Today, another close friend of mine, dad passed away. We knew it was coming but it was expected to be about 4 months from now. Cancer got the best of him, it spread and it couldn't be stopped. Again it made me feel sick, it all happened so fast. Now I have a friend who is heart broken because her dad won't see some of the biggest moments in her life, like her wedding and much more. I wish I could fix everything, but I can't. Reality hit me again today, our world isn't perfect, disease can kick us in the butt and we can't always beat it, and that all I can do is a friend is be there, and never walk away from her.

I wish cancer wasn't real. I wish no one suffered from such a disease. I wish little kids didn't have to waste away their child hood in a hospital room. I wish people didn't have to say goodbye to their loved ones on their death bed. I just wish cancer wasn't real.

Another thing that is very real for me right now, a young boy I knew died 3 years ago tomorrow (technically today). It was an unfair accident, not his fault at all and now his life is gone. He has left behind 4 siblings that miss him like crazy and 2 parents who have their heart broken because their little boy is gone. I wish he was still here.

Death is real, it is here. We can't predict tomorrow, nothing is guaranteed so we have to live our lives to the fullest enjoying every moment that we have.

Realizing and letting go

Things have become a lot more real to me lately, especially with people.

I am realizing as much as I don't want to admit it, that I still love the person I really wish I didn't. And I think that is why I have had problems in relationships since him because I am holding onto him and don't want to let go. I was given no choice lately though, he decided to tell me he doesn't want to be best friends anymore, and wants nothing to do with me. So first I had to just be friends with him after two amazing summers with him as my boyfriend and now I gotta let go of the fact he isn't my friend and I can't love him anymore. I am realizing and letting go..

I am realizing how short life really is, and how quick lives can end. I have two friends, one who just lost her dad to cancer and another who is losing her dad to cancer, its real, its there. Its so sad to see people you love go through such hardships. I am realizing even though I understand the loss, my words can't be said right enough to show them how much I care.

I am realizing that my final year of high school is just around the corner and its one of the most exciting but scariest things right now. I have to start applying for universities and scholarships and that is crazy stressful. I am so excited for what this year will bring in friendships but also just in fulfilling my dreams and figuring my life out. But I am scared to grow up and leave the comfort zone of high school. I hate high school but I know I will miss it once I leave.

I am letting go of the fact that people are mean and immature and realizing that I will not have the same friends my whole life, people will come and go. I have realized that people will hurt you and there is nothing you can do about it except get back on your feet and carry on with life.

I am realizing that you can't go through everything alone. We were not made to deal with things on our own and it is okay to go to friends when you need. & I am so thankful for the friends i have because they have gotten me through some crazy and deep things in life :)

So that is what I am realizing, and letting go of. Every day is a new day, a new lesson and a new adventure, all we can do is make the best of it :)

Happy Birthday Daddy

Everyday is a different day. Let it be good or let it be bad. You can't control all the events of your day but you can control your attitude. - something that I have learned very well over the years. A friend of mine always said, smile, you will feel better. Or wake up with a smile and say this day will be a good day, it works if you believe it to be true :)

Today was a day I knew would be hard for me, but at the same time I had to wake up and handle it with the best attitude I could. I woke up smiling saying, "I get to see family that I haven't seen in 10 years today! I am excited!". The truth is, I was excited but I was also very sad. Today my dad would have been 52 years old. He is not here to celebrate it, and I really wish he was. To add to my problems I was moody today (you can all guess why) so that just put a turn on my day... Lets just say, I lost my patience very quickly today, especially when I was around my cousin who I love dearly but knows how to push buttons. I snapped, I almost cried many times, but I also smiled and laughed. I was excited this morning to see family I hadn't seen in 10 years, and I stayed excited until they left. I also got the chance to buy clothes - with no HST ( i love alberta for that reason!) But in the end of the day, I was sad, but I was also happy. I wish my dad was here so we could celebrate his birthday, but at the same time, I can't dwell on that fact. Yes it's hard and I am not just saying that, I do dwell sometimes but it's getting better. Things do get easier as they go along, and I am learning lessons every day.

So dad, Happy 52 birthday. I really wish you were here but you aren't. I would do anything to see you once more. To have one more hug or one more cuddle or even a back rub. But thats nothing I can control. So I go to bed missing you, but smiling because thats all I can do right now. I love you more then words can describe, but really I love the person I never got a chance to know, but that will never change. I miss you today, I will miss you forever, no matter what happens my daddy you will be. I love you dad, and happy birthday

xoxo your little girl!

taking one day at a time.

The past while since I posted has been filled with trails but lessons learned. I have learned that people hurt you so you learn to trust a certain few but mainly just yourself. But I also learned that you have to take things one day at a time because if you don't you get way to overwhelmed.

Camp was probably the best ever this year out of all 3 years I have been going. For many reasons I guess :) I got to see the best people in my life and go to the place that is my second home. I had created close relationships throughout the year with people from camp so going there and seeing them was the best week ever. I got my wish of going to the banquet with a very close friend of mine, which topped off camp! I created memories and laughs that will last a life time. Our team came in 5th place which was amazing (our rookies kicked some butt this year!) But most of all it was just amazing being there, experiencing God, and being with people I like to call my close friends but also family.

A good friend from camp and me had a few deep talks at camp. About life, and about who we are as people. This person had said to me "I don't think you know who I really am" and it made me wonder, I do know who this person is, but this person isn't perfect and I think that is why he said that. It made me wonder though, who knows us and who doesn't?

When I got home, a lot of things happened which I didn't understand. But coming home from camp always means back to reality... reality sucks at times. My best friend of 4 years, my number one, someone I walked through things with that I didn't imagine I could, decided to get up and leave. Without a reason, without a talk about it, he just said never call me again. It hurt, i felt like I couldn't breath, I secluded myself for a few days but am now realizing that no matter what I do, I can't control the situation. That was his choice, so I have to take one day at a time and smile even when its hard.

My friend that moved away decided we not talk anymore because it is easier for me. The truth is I would rather be friends and miss him then be ignored but its life... again I can't control it.. so I need to take one day at a time.

This is where my two biggest lessons come in : My friend walked out of life, it hurt, but I realized to only trust a few people but mainly just trust yourself because everyone will hurt you. And to take one day at a time because when you are hurt thinking forward is hard.

I have been contemplating a lot of stuff for after school. I know my end goal but I am really thinking about how I want to reach it now. A option would be going to school away from home, a province away or many provinces. Give me a chance to see life in a different view, and restart. This is a huge thing on my mind right now but like I said, one day at a time. we will see where life takes me. I would love to get away, but I guess we will have to see.

So remember to smile, even when it hurts. To take one day at a time and not think to far ahead. And enjoy the time you have, because it will be gone sooner then you think

what is a true friend?

I've asked myself this question numerous times and pondered many answers.

Is a true friend...
- the person you talk to daily?
- the person you hang out with all the time?
- the person you tell everything to and they keep all your secrets?

I think a true friend can be all of those, but at the same time it can be someone totally different. I have been challenged with the title of a true friend throughout the years of my life. I've had people I thought to be true friends but then stabbed me in the back, but I have had a few true friends in my life also. At moments I have believed no one is a true friend because every human being can hurt you or disappoint you, but if I believe that then I will never be happy with my group of friends and will never keep people in my life for a long period of time.

"Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:

If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

Eccl 4:9-12 New International Version

God did not create us to be alone, he created us to minister to each other, support each other and help each other grow. This is one thing I have learned through situations in my life.

I will give an example without using names:

I have this friend, and this friend was out at a party with a bunch of friends. I was having a bad night so I thought I would text this friend because this [friend] always seems to be able to cheer me up. I asked this friend to come online if [friend] wasn't busy so we could talk. This friend did not reply but showed up on facebook in less then 5 minutes. I asked this friend what this friend was doing because I wanted to make sure [friend] wasn't busy, well, this friend told me that there was a party going on that [friend] was at. I continued to ask this friend why [friend] came online because I had said only if [friend] was not busy. [Friend] told me that [friend] didn't want me upset and wanted to cheer me up.

Now this friend has become one of my best friends, but also shows the qualities of a true friend. You don't see many people now a days while out with friends or doing whatever, drop everything and make sure their friends are okay. I don't know if its our society or what. I have a few very close friends and those people are true friends to me. To me a true friend isn't someone you have to see every day or every week, its not someone you have to talk to every day, and it is not someone you have to share every secret with. It is someone who cares unconditionally, is willing to be there when you ask, and likes you for who you are. Most of my true friends I don't see every day, some I only see once a year, yes I talk to them often but I don't need to. I love them for who they are and they love me for who I am.

Find the friends you never want to lose, and hold onto them, because some people are worth keeping around.

14 days...

14 days... till the best week of my year. Nanoose Bay Camp!

This camp has changed me so much over the past 2 years. I have made friends that I didn't think were possible to make, I've done things I have never thought I would do (like play handball), and I have been tugged at by God like I never have before. Camp is home, weird to say but it is. My team - da bears, are my family, and the people at camp are also like family.

I walk onto those grounds, and I breath deep and say I am home. In 2 weeks I will be home for the best week ever. A week full of sports, friendships and memories. Although this week of being home that is just around the corner holds a special meaning. I will be getting rebaptized most likely. Something God has been wanting me to do, but also that has been on my heart for a long time. I will not explain it all on here, but I got baptized the first time for the wrong reasons, for selfish reasons and not for God. I lived a life of fakeness and put on a huge mask on who I really was. Life is full of mistakes, I know that from personal expierence but this week of being home I plan to show God I am willing to live for him and not put on the mask I wear way to often.

So in 2 weeks I will be home, I will be with the best friends I could imagine having, and I will expierence some of the best memories I will ever have. I can't wait to go home.. :)

one more year left.

12 years down of school, and 1 more left. I have to admit that is one of the scariest things I have ever made myself realize. Sooner then I think summer will be over, I will be heading into my last year of high school and in a blink of an eye that will be over.

So many things have changed through the years of my life. Now, I know change is expected, we grow up and we move on from things and head into new things. When I first headed into kindergarten I was the girl who was living with her grandparents and a broken mess for a lot of it. Heading into grade 1, my grandparents had custody over me and I grew up happy and smiling but still missing things. Heading into grade 8, I became a believer in God but struggled with my faith big time. Now heading into grade 12, I am a different person from all the other times. I am strong believer in God and love him more then ever. I smile more and have dealt with a lot of things. I know heading into university in a year I will have changed a bit now, but through people coming in and out of my life, my actions and behavior changing and growing in who I am, I can say I am content with the who I am today - for right now that's all that matters.

I can't believe high school is almost over but it is going to give me an opportunity to grow in the person I am. I am excited, scared, sad and happy. So many emotions packed into the thought of high school ending, but I guess this is life. "No one told us it would be easy, but no one told us it would be this hard." A line that makes me think very deeply, are our parents supposed to tell us everything? warn us of every little bump in the road? can the they teach us every lesson? can they help fix every mistake we make? NO! Our parents can warn us of things in life that may hurt us but if they tell us everything we will never grow into the person we are supposed to be. They can't teach us every lesson because I am sure we are going to go out and try it anyways so we can learn on our own. They can't warn us every bump in the road of life because we are all different. And they can't help us fix every mistake because if they get fixed we will never learn. So no, no one told us it would be easy, but at the same time, we need to learn for ourselves it would be hard so they can't tell us that either.

I have been stretched, pulled and tugged at through the years. I have fallen, learned lessons, been hurt and got back on my feet.

I am ready for a great summer and then a great grade 12 year. grad 2011! :D

welcome.

Well, here you are at the start of my blog, I am going to use this place to vent, be honest, and talk about things that are going on in my life. I will blog as much as I can :) Please do enjoy and comment if you feel you want to :)

- Chels